why that "face" again????

Haj celebration...Aqil took the turn to be in-charge of the meat...open house on the 2nd day...tiring but i did enjoy this (as usual)...students kept flowing in...my old friend, mak wan JR1 also dropped by.....the new signature drink...barli+cincau+laici..sold out...steamboat..licin....cheesy wedges (tq to k nie ert)...5 kg....done ....

I cleaned up the house at nite ...ALONE.. "he" was there in front of the tv, watching a movie "Zoo"...he kept looking at me walking in and out of the kitchen to the guests room to clear up all the plates and others...HA..HA..HA... im the real MAID....UNPAID MAID......not that i expected him to help because i knew he never helps me doing the cleaning....he is the BOSS...BOSS....and forever a BOSS.....

On the third day, i went to school (the magic of 1 Malaysia....). After coming back from school we went to Jerteh to my ex-ss' (Syed Mohd Aliff) wedding...along the way..my BOSS kept grumbling..."Penatnya"....he kept looking at his watch....kept sighing.....Gosh..how i wish I was alone (which i knew hw will never let me go...he loves escorting me)....after 1 1/2 journey due to the heavy traffic and rain...we reached there...again..he was too busy with his phone...he just loves calling people and talking..sometimes at inappropriate time.....

He started showing face...that face again....he just refused to talk and eat...nothing was touched at all..... he loves making me feel guilty and he loves making me feel this way...Ya Allah.....On the way back..again he kept looking at the watch...i knew what i needed to do....i heat up the soup and fry some eggs...he ate one whole plate of rice....i kept myself busy....washiong the dishes etc..i just couldnot look at him or talk to him....NEXT TIME, JGN IKUT, BIAR AKU PERGI SENDIRI MANA2, HATI TAK SAKIT, PERUT KENYANG...YANG AKU MCM BODOH DOK TUNGGU DIA BERBUAL N SHOPPING DGN ZUL TAK PERNAH AKU BISING....AOPA YG DIA NAK SEBENMARNYA DARI AKU....AKU DAH PENAT DGN SEMUA NI...OPENAT...MAMAT NI KALAU DPN ANAK2 SAUDARA DIA MMG BEST GILER TAPI KALAU DGN AKU....CARA DIA MENYAKITKAN HATI MMG POWER GILA....sabar je la sebab suami tak dok 2 atau 3....dialah seorang....

i wonder...why?????

HE came again in my dreams...after so long..i dunno whether deep down inside my heart, i really long to meet HIM at least once after so many years....or..is it just a dream...

It is so weird...i can still be in contact wth my other friends..old friends..but not HIM...i just wonder why...Ya Allah..this feeling really disturbs my life....for my betterment..please take away this feeling from me....it's for me and also for HIM..i know, he has put aside everything about me....even has deleted my name and memories from his life but....i just cannot lie to myself..he is always there....haunts me...and at times...HE will appear in my dreams...vividly..Ya Allah..please help me....

FRANCE...

FRANCE....Friendship remains and never can end ...this is true...really true....i can be friend with others..those who can talk freely with me...but with HIM..because of that status...because of that old relationship..because of the feeling that we once were involved in...we can never be friends...it is like a huge barrier exists between us..we can never be friends..why??? i really wonder why???? Can we just put aside all the old memories and move forward n begin our relationship again..as FRIENDS???

It hurts...i cannot deny it..it hurts to read others' comments about U and how U can converse w others but not ME....it hurts..deep inside...CAN WE JUST BEGIN A NEW RELATIONSHIP??? jUST LIKE OUR OTHER OLD FRIENDS???CAN'T WE????

A WIFE IS A MERE RECEIVER?????

Dia buat hal lg....just because of THAT...and just because of the expression "tak apa la...", im back in hot soup....smtms i just do not know how to react any more...am i a robot???am i a money provider only???am, i not having any feeling????

He just came back from sending along n angah to their arabic class...without saying a word or even a smile to me...he just went out again, i guess to pasar tani...not as usual..he would want me to tag him along..not even a word and i am now confused...just because of that friday nite????this is indeed not the first time i am being treated like this...so..so..so many times,,,until i dont want to count it any more...but i keep feel wondered WHY????

Does he think i am a creature who will be treated nicely if only i serve him dearly??? lovingly????and give my body all the time needed???? Ya Allah, laknatlah kehidupan aku jika aku gagal memberikan yg terbaik untuk Dia..but sometimes i just do not know WHAT did i do wrong or..may be i am a slow learner??

Isit true just because of that??? and now i have to face his cynical look again?????Crazy like hell...

Ada aku peduli????

At first, she was so happy when i didnt give the time table for her to invigilate the exam. The problem was that, i informed her earlie...stand by utk relief...cikgu2 terlampau padat dgn psk and pjk pun msk jadual...After 3 days getting relief classes, now shw showed the true colors..."BANYAK KERJA HARI NI, TAK BOLEH BAGI ORG LAIN KE...TAK DOK ORANG LAIN KE?" ADA AKU PEDULI????org lain semua dh kena jaga exam classes, kita yg kena relief satu masa pun bising, fair and square la....gaji sama banyak, masa mengajar dia sikit, nak jg periksa pun susah ke??? aku yg dah crack the brain nakl atur jadual yg padat giler 10x ni, tak dok org nak consider???

Btl k ma kata, nak bagi arahan, jadi org besar lah nee...the problem is, mmg aku org besar utk exam ni, aku yg prepare jadual, aku yg order kertas, aku yg buat relief....dia skg di bwh arahan aku...ada aku peduli??? Ingat dia seorang sibuk??? Ingat dia seorang ada masalah??? Ingat dia seorang kerja bertimbun???? ONCE YOU ACCEPT THE POST, BE PREPARED WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY THAT U ARE GOING TO FACE...JGN MERUNGUT...JGN BERSUNGUT...SEDIA JE LAH PIKUL TANGGUNGJAWAB TU...ada aku peduli nak marah ke tak??????

Is it a sin for me to fall sick???

I guess im too tired...dunno why but lately, i can easily feel tired...slept at 9 last nite till morning..but deep down in my heart, i feel something missing...everytime i feel sick, i realised amir doesnt really like it...it is like...im troubling him...why???

Im touched with ina's reaction...this only daughter of mine is caring and loving...thank u dear...

just a question popped up in my mind..is it wrong for a wife to fall sick???? i wonder....

At the age of reaching 40

I can feel the difference....the age matters....

Masuk je 2011....i can feel that there are still empty spaces in my heart...smthng went missing in my life...after i sit down and think..exploring myself..i realized that im too dunia-centred...i am really lacking trhe knowledge for the world hereafter...Ya Allah...thank you to make me realize this...i want to go back to the righyt pah..i know. my friends will always be there to help me...t support me....i cannot count this on my family mnembers....

Looking back at the experience in my can i say that in some way, abah failed to educate us to be good human beings..i guess because abah is too self-oriented, too self-disciplined that he forgot that we \are also humans...I am talking about abah bafore he becomes atuk...because now i can see the difference although at times ideep down in my heart i still say how self-centred abah is....kalaulah abah boleh mengalah...balik ke ruamah kok pasir...i think many problems will settle...kalaulah Tang ada rezki n move to another house...i think problems will settle...kalaulah apis duduk n fikir sekejap sikap dia yg makin pelik ni n cuba adjust..i think everything will be fine...kalaulah ibi tak terlalu fikirkan diri, tentu dia balik masa tang kawin n tentu dia balik masa ije meninggala...nak tunggu event apa lagi yg nak kumpul anak beranak???? tak tahulah aku, there is something went missing n this family...and i dunno what...

I just want to put my own family at the right path...aku nak adib, aqil and adlina bersatu sbg satu keluarga...what i can do now is to gather them, talk to them....give them the religious fouindation,...Ya Allah...lindungilah keluargaku...suamiku...anak2ku...abah sekeluarga....amin